Apple Didn’t Announce Any Of These Ideas For Your Classroom

15 Of Apple’s Unannounced Innovations In Education 

by TeachThought Staff

Apple’s annual September unveil event has come and gone, and left us with two new pieces of hardware–the Apple Watch, and a 5.5″ iPhone “phablet.”

While there were other announcements, including Apple announcing their intention to replace your wallet with your phone with ApplePay, for 21st century teachers, there were other less ballyhooed announcements that they never made, but could have.


15 Of Apple’s Unannounced Innovations In Education 

1. A new app store, but for progressive curriculum and instructional design. This store will provide an Apple-funded (read: free) marketplace for resources dedicated to authentic learning experiences that are human-driven, not standards-driven, nor corporate-derived.

2. A heart-rate and blood pressure monitor to predict the curiosity and engagement-level of students, and then keep doing more of whatever was making the student curious and engaged.

3. Vibration feature on both the iPhone and Apple Watch to gently remind students to pay attention when dozing off, not cyberbully, think harder, etc.

4. A built-in life lesson about $700 phones and cracked screens–can’t have nothing nice, etc.

5. A government-subsidized loan program to pay for the teacher training, curriculum redesign, assessment integration, and anti-anxiety medication and/or counseling for district IT officials trying to “integrate iPads.”

6. An alert system that self-reports teachers that refuse to change. This could function as a blinking red light on the classroom door, or automatic updates to select social media platforms. An update to this system will address self-important, overbearing, or unimaginative administrators.

7. Through some kind of magic that “just works” (probably through a now-omniscient Siri), your iOS device will now tweet all of your best thinking throughout the day, with all of the updated and relevant hashtags, without typing. It will also grade essays, attend PLC meetings via hologram, enter grades, and make all of your students believe in themselves.

8. Autocorrection, but for tone–replaces thoughtful messages with snark, or simple communication with know-it-all highbrow that makes you feel good about yourself.

9. An update to the Apple Store that features apps that highlight economic privilege, reduce racism, improve self-knowledge, make reading and writing cool, and offer activities that build strong families and other support systems for students.

10. Solar charging for homeless or extremely low-income students without electricity.

11. A education-specific feature called “Planning Period” that turns off alerts, clears schedule, and wirelessly locks classroom door to keep planning period intact.

12. A more accessible app store experience for would-be developers to help clarify the potential of truly innovative apps for the Candy Crush generation that would otherwise swipe right past anything that isn’t pink, blinking, or otherwise “to die for.”

13. Marketing through the use of American Express logos, Manhattan-ite mock customers, and awkward U2 album releases that continue the Apple mystique and catalyze commercial desirability while marginalizing those who–if the hardware is what they say it is–probably need it most.

14. Apple-supported branding not of the Common Core, but of its sterling, transcendent, and downright elemental rigor. So, branding and marketing for rigor. Brilliant!

15. A signed statement during the setup process (that forces you to swipe to the bottom and accept) from Apple CEO Tim Cook admitting that they “no longer understand public education,” but questioning whether or not anyone else does either.

Apple Didn’t Announce Any Of These Ideas For Your Classroom: Apple’s Unannounced Innovations In Education; image attribution flickr user flickeringbrad

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